Mo Dao Zu Shi - Resentment (Yunmeng Duo Days - Day 4)
by Scorpion-chan23
Summary: "It was a particularly cold winter, but Jiang Cheng wasn't cold. Anger burned his heart. Memories, even the fondest, could not ease his mind. They only made his chest ache and tightened his throat. Jiang Cheng had understood that the best way to survive without going mad with pain was to be dominated by rage and resentment" (English version of my fourth "Yunmeng Duo Days" fanfic)


Hey everyone! I'm back with a new MDZS fanfic, and in English for once! This is actually a translation of one of my "Yunmeng Duo Days" OS (the fourth one) so the themes of this fanfic are: Resentment, loneliness, memories and guilt. Exactly what we need for some great drama! I hope you'll like it! :)

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After having fought his insomnia for hours, Jiang Cheng had to admit defeat with an irritated growl. He got up and got dressed: since he he was awake, why not taking another of these night walks around the Lotus Pier. As an almost surreal silence surrounded the room, he understood the snow that had started falling the day before hadn't stopped yet. As it rest was also eluding it.

Jiang Cheng put on a long winter cloak and got out without an hesitation, even when a white cloud escaped from his lips, even when a cold wind caressed his face. He was used to this. He was used to short nights and to walk for hours to try to calm his heart and mind. A thick layer of snow covered the Lotus Pier, fell on the wood, cracked under his feet as Jiang Cheng walked around the white dock that was leading him towards the frozen lake.

Even though the atmosphere was silent and peaceful, his mind wouldn't get calm. The images he tried to escape by getting outside came back to him, one by one, as if they wanted to emphasize his loneliness.

Jiang Cheng remembered another winter, a winter when he was still a child and when his parents were still alive, when his brother and sister were still by his side. He saw himself on the dock as he was doing now. He saw himself yelling to his brother, telling him to come back immediately if he didn't want to die by his own hands. He could still remember Wei Wuxian's bright laughter before the ice broke under him and before he fell into the freezing waters of the lake.

Jiang Cheng could almost feel the same panic as he did that day when he reached out to his brother to help him back on the dock. He could remember the angst that punctuated his movements when Wei Wuxian was quickly undressed, rubbed and then put to bed under at least five blankets. He could feel his relieved irritation when his sister carefully fed him and when Wei Wuxian dared to tease him.

Jiang Cheng could still hear their childish laughters echo around him. It was almost like the two small figures were brushing past him to escape a snowball, like they were rolling on the floor laughing. And his sister was smiling gently. They seemed so real that Jiang Cheng could almost touch them. But when he reached out to them, the purple figures and their bright laughs vanished.

Jiang Cheng was alone on the dock. Alone under the falling snow that fell on his shoulders as a new burden to bear. And he would be alone forever. He would never hear his brother's laughter, would never see his sister smile anymore.

Alone, alone forever.

The cold had frozen the lake, it was a particularly cold winter, but Jiang Cheng wasn't cold. His anger burned his heart and kept him warm. Memories, even the fondest, could not ease his mind. They only made his chest ache and tightened his throat. Even before that massacre took place, Jiang Cheng had understood that the best way to survive without going mad with pain and sadness was to be dominated by rage and resentment.

Therefore, he chased aways the peaceful memories. He let memories of these awful nights come back to him. Jiang Cheng saw the Lotus Pier in flames, the lifeless corpses of his parents,… But the pain wasn't strong enough, it didn't allow his anger to grow more and more. He had to go further, to look for more recent memories, darker memories.

-_A-Cheng, I'd like you to do me a favor_.

The o so gentle smile of his emotions sister, glowing in her red wedding dress. The same smile was on her lips when she had gently given her newborn son to her brother's awkward arms:

-_Go on, greet your uncle, A-Ling_.

The red that had stained her dress when she fell in Jiang Cheng's arms, the pained whisper that escaped her bloody lips,…

Jiang Cheng's nails pierced his skin, let blood drip on the immaculate snow like carmine raindrops.

-_You don't have to protect me… Banish me_.

The snow had lost its white shade, everything became red around him. Purple lightning ran down his fists and a heinous whisper escaped his lips:

-Wei Wuxian.

Five years had passed, but Jiang Cheng couldn't accept what his brother had done. He couldn't forgive him for choosing the Wens over him. He couldn't forgive him for killing Jin Zixuan, for leading to this bloodbath,… For killing his sister, the sun of his life and his last family member.

-You damn idiot!

Everything could have gone differently after they won the Sunshot Campaign. They could have lived happily and peacefully in the home they had taken back, but no! The great Wei Wuxian couldn't simply be satisfied with his fate! He had to act rashly and to put both himself and his sect in danger, once more!

This fool had only one thing to do, lower the head and keep his mouth shut. But no, Wei Wuxian didn't read the mood and had to play heroes by choosing to protect the survivors of the sect that had took everything away from them! He had to talk back to Jin Guangshan, to be insolent instead of just shutting his damn mouth! The best way to stay safe had been to turn a blind eye to the bad treatments the Wen remnants suffered. Opposing himself like he did only put their sect in danger once more, but they were still too vulnerable to bear this new threat.

And the new sect leader was the youngest of them all, the one the other sect leaders didn't really want to take seriously as the let out sufficient laughs when he tried to propose solutions.

It wasn't so complicates to shut up, to lower the head and to bear this humiliation! Jiang Cheng had managed it, so why not Wei Wuxian?!

But no, Wei Wuxian always had to take risks to act like the motherhood-and-apple-pie volunteer, even if it put his entire family at risk! How stupid of him to always let his heart decide!

But the thing that hurt Jiang Cheng even more, the thing that made him go mad with anger, was that his brother had betrayed him. His brother had chosen to protect Wens rather than staying with him. Wei Wuxian had broken the promise they had made, the promise to stay by his side and to become his right-hand man and to support him.

-Twin Prides, my ass!

Wei Wuxian had betrayed him, had left him all alone to confront the other sect leaders, them who didn't take him seriously because of his young age. Them who knew he was vulnerable, ready to bear every humiliations if it meant he could protect his sect and his parents' legacy. He let him all alone to make the worst decision ever.

Yes, Jiang Cheng hated him.

But like always when he let himself be blinded by hate, a voice echoed in his head, forcing him to open his eyes and to be honest with himself. The voice of his father:

-_A-Cheng, some words can't be spoken frivolously._

He was angry.

But only a small part of that anger was directed towards Wei Wuxian.

What was left of anger was directed towards himself.

Once more, Jiang Cheng realized Wei Wuxian had beaten him, had bee, better than him. Wei Wuxian had done what Jiang Fengmian would've done. He had followed his heart and his consciousness rather than lowering the head to try and be spared by this cruel world that had already taken so much from him. He had faced injustice and oppression and stayed true to his sect and to its motto. He had attempted the impossible, even if by doing so he had to condemn himself.

-_If you say them, it means that you have not understood the motto of our sect_.

Jiang Cheng had to hold on to the guardrail not to fall on his knees when guilt tightened its grip on his neck.

_He_ had stayed silent. _He_ didn't find the strength to face the other sect leaders. _He_ didn't have the courage to stay at his brother's side. _He _didn't manage to attempt the impossible._ He_ had been weak, and_ he_ had betrayed his brother by choosing to protect the sect. By abandoning his his brother, Jiang Cheng had became the monster he tried to see in Wei Wuxian.

Jiang Cheng couldn't breathe, everything was blurry. He should've stayed with Wei Wuxian, should have died with him and with honor. That way he wouldn't be struggling with his guilt to stay mentally sane. Guilt and remorses were going to kill him. He had to make them go away. So, he chased them away, let anger and resentment take their places in his heart. Hating Wei Wuxian was so much easier than accepting that the one he really hated was no other than himself.

-_Jiu Jiu…_

A small hand on his leg made him shudder and he turned around, eyes widening in surprise:

-_A_-Ling, what are you doing here? You'll catch a cold!

-I had a nightmare…

Jiang Cheng lifted him in his arms and put his cloak around his nephew's frail body. He knew _A_-Ling often had nightmares, that the wounds caused by his parents' death and by the cruel jokes of other children hated the child. Jiang Cheng also knew his name was often the first to leave _A_-Ling's lips when he needed to be reassured. He couldn't help but feel touched, but he refused to show it and grumbled:

-You're already five, you have to handle your nightmares on your own. Your uncle Yao and I won't always be here for you when you're scared.

-I'm not scared.

-Oh really?

Jin Ling hugged his neck and glued himself to his uncle's chest, and Jiang Cheng's heart melted as guilt disappeared, replaced by a warm wave of love and emotion. But he couldn't show it, would never show it:

-Maybe it's time we get you someone you can count on. A spiritual dog, maybe?

Jin Ling's eyes sparkled with excitement:

-Really?!

Jiang Cheng didn't smile but he was actually glad yo see his nephew already shared his passion for dogs. But even though he hated to admit it, it was Jin Guangyao who had the idea first. That was when Jiang Cheng understood that the reflex not to let dogs inside the Lotus Pier was still anchored in his heart…

He chased the painful memories and grumbled while chasing the snowflakes whitening Jin Ling's hair:

-Only if you stop waking me up.

-But _Jiu Jiu_, you're never asleep when I call for you.

Silence, marked by the way his uncle stopped walking. Jin Ling observed Jiang Cheng's jaws tightened and whispered, as if he wanted to share a secret with him:

-Is it because you have nightmares too?

Jiang Cheng's lips tightened and he faced his nephew: perceptive, too perceptive. He couldn't help but letting out a biting tone when he answered harshly, too harshly maybe:

-Of course not, what a stupid idea!

He couldn't say that he was having nightmares, he couldn't show his weaknesses. So much for the hurt look on Jin Lin's face. Jiang Cheng closed his eyes and let out a sigh before continuing on a less aggressive tone:

-Stop this nonsense and tell me about that nightmare you had.

Changing subject, avoiding the questions, and counting on his anger to keep him going.

When Jiang Cheng laid A-Ling in his bed and laid down by his side, when the child got asleep while tightly hugging his arm, an icy gust made the snowflakes tremble.

But the snow kept on falling, erasing the footprints left on the dock just like anger repressed bittersweet memories.

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And that's it! I hope you liked this fanfic (and I'm sorry for the mistakes, I'm really not used to writing fanfics in English) :) See you soon!


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